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I am so miserable. I am back to being depressed again. I am starting to understand Andrew better. I want to listen to angry music, just like him. I can’t talk to anyone, just like him. I made my mom cry today and I didn’t care, something he does to me. I don’t want to go anywhere, just like him. The last few times he has been over here, he has been really depressed. I know it’s him and not me, now. Until like a couple weeks ago, for almost 2 years, I thought it was my fault. I thought there was something wrong with me. “Am I too fat?” “Am I too ugly?” That’s all I thought. I can’t believe that I believed that for over 1 year and 7 months. I seriously believed that every-single-day. The thought NEVER entered my mind that maybe it’s him. He tried to tell me, but I didn’t believe him. I still think it’s me in some ways. “What if I was perfect looking?” “What if I weighed 110 pounds and looked like a Barbi?” I now know that Andrew doesn’t think I am ugly, after a recent conversation I had with him. What am I talking about? I still believe it’s me. If some other girl was in love with him, then he’d treat her better.
Andrew knows EVERYTHING bad about me. He knows stuff I don’t even post on here. I don’t think any other guy would want to be with me once they find out everything bad about me. It doesn’t even matter. I can’t even give any other guys a chance. I feel nothing when I talk to other guys. I felt nothing when I kissed that guy. I don’t like talking to him on the phone. He annoys me. I can’t come up with anything to say to him. I am not interested. I don’t give a fuck. I just want to tell him something bad so he won’t like me anymore. I want to like him… but I can’t.
I keep calling my mom, then I’ll sit there on the phone and say absolutely nothing for 5 minutes straight. Then later, I’ll think I am in a better mood, and I’ll call her back, then I find out that I still have nothing to say.
Sometimes I seem like I am happy on this blog… I guess. I am not. I am a miserable person. Ask my mom. Ask Emily, my best friend. They know how miserable I am. I treat them like shit, just like Andrew treats me like shit. Why do I complain about him so much when I do the same thing to other people? He is the only person I am nice to.
I don’t want to be friends with Christy anymore. Sarah is alright, but I don’t want to hang out with her. I will always want to be friends with Emily, but I treat her like shit.
One day my mom is going to die, and I am going to have to live with how I treated her when she was alive. I love her more than it is possible to love someone, but I am so miserable that I treat her like I hate her. She tried to talk to me today, but I couldn’t talk. She was just getting on my nerves with her questions, so she started crying. I told her to just give me some money so I can leave. It totally reminds me of Andrew. I know he cares about me, but he is miserable just like me.
I guess some of it is just because I am depressed. I am not always miserable and in a bad mood. I do have an attitude problem a lot of the time, but sometimes I am nice to people. Not liking any other guys has nothing to do with me being depressed. I couldn’t see any guys for a long time after Chris broke up with me.
Enough about that. Other than this morning, the last 3 mornings in a row, my neighbors and I have woken up to shit on the walkway in front of our apartments. It looked like a large dog did it. My neighbors believed that a human was doing it. I don’t know, but it was gross. The last day it was smack in front of my door. My nosy neighbor picked it up for me. It made to scared to take my dogs out at 2am last night just thinking that there may be some sicko outside shitting on the sidewalk. Dogs usually don’t poop on cement. I don’t see stray dogs around here. I wonder if there was a reason it was in front of my door. Maybe someone hates me. I really wonder if it was a person or a dog. I live in the city, so there’s no telling. I hate taking my dogs out in the middle of the night. This area is not too bad, but there will be a million dollar house next to a hotel that crack heads stay at (at least in the winter when they are cheap to stay in). There are a lot of weirdos out at night here. There are some homeless people. I have NO clue why someone would want to live in a million dollar house down here at the beach. I hate it. Too many drunks, too much traffic, etc.
My mom got the number for some big guy at Stihl (they make chainsaws and tools. it’s a factory.) for Andrew. He applied for a job there. Her boss knows some guy there. It’s like really hard to get a job there, and they pay really good money. Actually, Andrew’s roommate and his roommate’s wife works there, so I don’t know why Andrew said that they couldn’t help him get a job there. My brother worked there before he joined the Navy. Andrew wants some technician job there or something. I don’t know. I don’t know if he will even call the guy because he is an idiot like that. He is not a go-getter. I haven’t talked to him about it yet.
March 3rd, 2008 at 4:05 am
Your mom does a lot for you. The reason you treat her the way you do is because you know that regardless of how you treat her, she will always be here. You can treat her like dirt, stomp all over her…and she will still be there to pick up the pieces when youve shattered yourself. I did the same thing to my mom…for the same reasons and really…if my mom died. I wouldnt have any reason to live. Try to treat her better. She obviously loves you endlessly.
March 5th, 2008 at 6:12 am
I have been in a bit of a slump myself. I was so fucking depressed for about a week and now it seems its moved onto sort of..a manic phase. Ugh. Life, life, LIFE! What can you say? I dunno. Such a fucking paradoxical conundrum of NOTHING.