ADD and psych stuff
I don’t have the patients to learn about this camera. I get SO bored reading shit. I can’t focus. I am getting some ADD medicine on 4/17. That’s the next time I see my doctor. Every time I try to read a book, my mind wonders. I can barely watch movies. Ask anyone who has watched movies with me at my house. I am always doing something else while a movie is playing. I went to see “300″ a year ago, and I could not tell you one thing about the movie. I left the theater 2 times to talk on my cell phone. I was probably in the theater less than 30 minutes. I finally watched the movie a month or so ago. I had to FORCE myself to sit there. I don’t like going to see movies. I’ve seen two movies in the theater in the last year, only because the people I was with wanted to go. I talk to people the whole entire time a movie is playing. That used to annoy the fuck out of my brother. I haven’t bothered to read a book since I was in school and was forced to. Well, I have tried, but I wasn’t successful. If my phone rings when I am watching TV or a movie, I thank God and immediately stop watching it because I’d much rather talk, even though I know I am going to miss a lot of the movie. I know I don’t have ADHD, but I am sure I have ADD. The only thing I can read are blogs. Not any blog, just my dailies. I never try to read anyone else’s blog. I am only interested in the people that I know somewhat or know about their life somewhat. I can’t even return comments from people I don’t know, most of the time, because I cannot read their posts. I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but I drive fast as shit like I am always in a hurry. I hate driving because I get so bored.
Sarah always tells me to take some of her Adderall. I knew from the beginning to say no. I knew she’s been on it since she was a kid, so I figured she took a high dose. Then the other day she told me she is on the highest dose. I don’t want to feel like I am on speed. I HATE that feeling. I will NEVER EVER drink an energy drink, take caffeine pills or take diet pills. Maybe the energy drink because I am immune to caffeine in low doses (if the dose is even low), since I drink so much soda. Give me a downer (legal pills, only from my doctor), and I am the happiest person in the world. God, anxiety medicine gives you THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. The only reason I don’t take them is because I know how addictive they are. I took them for a month straight once, and I felt like crap coming off of them. Plus you build up a tolerance, and I don’t want to need more and more to feel good. I took Ambien for a long time. I never go addicted to them, but I had a major tolerance. I could take 10 and not even fall asleep. Yeah, that was stupid. I did it once and it made me throw up all over my floor because I was to high to go to the bathroom. But I still wasn’t too high to clean up my throw up. I blogged about it when it happened a while ago. Pain killers make me extremely sick and on the verge of fainting. It was that way when I just had my surgery, when I was inside and outside of the hospital. When I had my ovary removed, and I had pain killers at home, I thought I had the flu bad, but it was just the pain killers.
Maybe I’ll print out the FIRST (haha) paragraph and give it to my doctor. I always forget what to say when I am seeing her. I just don’t want to take another pill. I regret ever taking any. I’d rather suffer with anxiety than be on the pill I am addicted to. It’s just like coming off of anxiety medicine if I don’t take it. I get VERY SICK. If I didn’t have any for ONE night, I would go to the ER and get some, IMMEDIATELY. I freak the fuck out when I call my doctor because I am running low and I need her to call some in. My doctor tried to take me off of it once, and I couldn’t sleep for two days. All I did was lie there and cry until I demanded that he give me some. I’ve been taking it since I was 17. It is seriously the WORST feeling in the world. I’d rather wake up from my Lap-Band surgery 10 times than go through that feeling, and I didn’t feel nice when I woke up. I couldn’t breathe (because I smoked, even though he told me not to or he wouldn’t do the surgery). I had never been more thirsty in my LIFE. I was BEGGING for water every 5 seconds. They wouldn’t give me any because I just had stomach surgery, but they gave me wet gauze. I felt like I was going to faint and kept asking them to sit me up and lie me down, but no position was comfortable. The funny thing was that my stomach had nothing to do with the pain I was feeling. My stomach felt almost absolutely fine.
Maybe I am just a baby. I would do ANYTHING to go back and never take the pill I am addicted to. I get sick if I take it 5 minutes after the time I took it the day before. I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t do anything. I am in the worst mood. I think all it is basically is anxiety. The worst anxiety in the world besides having an anxiety attack. I’ve had two when I was a teenager, and that was the worst feeling in the world. It’s kind of weird what triggered it. I don’t remember what happened with one of them. I remember what happened with the other. I was watching “Saving Private Ryan” on TV, and the movie freaked me the hell out. Then all of the sudden I got scared that Chris (my boyfriend) would go to war. I don’t know why the hell I thought that. He wasn’t even in the military. Was there a draft or something in the movie? Lots of people call 911 or go to the hospital (and I am sure they do not drive themselves) when they are having an anxiety attack. I believe it is that bad, and I do not think they are overreacting, at all. I feel too sick to even move, so I sit there and suffer until it’s over. Lots of people think they are having a heart attack when they are having an anxiety attack. I feel so lucky that I have only had two. But I still feel anxiety a lot.
Leave a Reply