Girl-Interrupted.net

Liars

So I freaking went. I’ll write about the stupid place later. I am mad because I get home, and I look in my call history, and there is a call to Andrew’s phone at 7:30pm last night. I didn’t bring my phone, and I was most definitely not here. My cousin and mom deny calling him. He is in my phone book so I will realize it’s him and not answer the phone. They better have accidentally called him. His name is next to my mom’s in my phone book, and sometimes the iPhone is stupid and calls the number above or below it. Yeah, the call is at 7:30pm, and the next call after that is 7:03am. Both my mom and cousin are liars, so I don’t know. I bet you anything my mom called him. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. My cousin says they weren’t even here at 7:30pm. Well, my phone does not call people on it’s own.

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Awesome

I went to target to get grand theft auto IV. The people in front of me where buying a wii. I asked if they have some, and they did, so I said I’ll take one too. I am giving it to my parents since they have been wanting one bad. I will buy myself one tomorrow if the still have some. I didn’t have enough money to buy two They are probably going to be available a lot more since Steve just bought one the other day too.

Ummmm Andrew called me today and accused me of calling him from a private number and hanging up on him all day yesterday and at 5am this morning. I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS NOT ME!!!!!!! If I wanted to call him, I wouldn’t block my number. I never block my number when I call anyone. I know that I can do some pretty immature things, but I don’t block my number, call people, and hang up on them. That is very immature. I am pretty sure I went to bed at 4:30am last night after I got home from the hospital. My phone was dead when I was in the hospital. It’s not like I can prove it, but I DIDN’T! I told him that is I wanted to fuck with him, I’d change the caller ID number. I do wonder who it was though. He doesn’t have any friends or anything. I was the only one that called him. It does look kind of suspicious that I was awake at like 4:30am, but it wasssssssss notttttttttt meeeeeeee! Who cares. I just hate being accused of something I didn’t do.

I have been depressed. I don’t know what’s wrong. I should be happy. I just haven’t been feeling right, like I said. I cried a lot today. I don’t feel anywhere as bad as last night though. I was kind of depressed last night, but I was feeling really weird. I don’t know if it has to do with my potassium or bipolar. I don’t know if I had an anxiety attack last night. If I did, it was a real weird one, only lasting 2 minutes. I actually tweeted that I was thirsty and I couldn’t get out of bed to get something to drink. It never showed up for some reason. Then I was tweeting that I didn’t feel good, and before I could hit submit, that is when I had to call 911.

I had an anxiety attack a couple weeks ago. I never posted about it, but I said something about it on twitter. I don’t know why all of the sudden I am feeling this way. I have been extremely depressed before. So depressed that I could not talk to anyone and thought about checking myself into a mental institution. I don’t know why all of the sudden I am having anxiety attacks. I’ve had 2 my whole life, and I was a teenager when I had them. If last night was one, it wasn’t that bad. The one I had a few weeks ago wasn’t bad either. It was like 15 minutes long, and all I did was cry, freak out a little, and my hands and feet were tingling.

I don’t know if it has something to do with me not eating or what. I bought bananas today for electrolytes. I threw it up. I bought light Gatorade with electrolytes and some yogurt. All I’ve had today is almost a glass of Gatorade, 4 crackers that I threw up, and the banana I threw up. I think I need to go get some liquid taken out of my band. Now I just don’t want to drive to Norfolk General Hospital. It’s so confusing. But yeah, I’ll go. I’ll call tomorrow. It’s hard getting your protein and 64 ounces of water.

I don’t feel so god right now. I am also wondering if it’s my anti-psychotic that is making me feel this way. Man, I feel like shit.

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Jjjksad

You would think I’d take more pictures of myself now that I am skinnier. I only take pictures with my webcam because I can see how it is going to look. I am the same size as Christy, and I always thought she looks skinny. I am still hard on myself.

Andy woke me up a million times. I don’t know why, but he is shaking constantly. Not shaking like he is nervous, shaking like dogs shake when they get wet. It happened one time before. I think it has to do with his crate because I put him in it for the first time in a long time last night. The other time he was also in his crate. He was doing it when he got out too. I mean non-stop. I am thinking it’s because he itches, but my dogs most definitely do not have fleas. He is sleeping now and has stopped.

I am so tired. I couldn’t sleep well last night. Maybe because I took a nap until 12am. I don’t know what I am going to do today. I am NOT going shopping. Okay… maybe I will. No… I won’t.

You know how I kind of have a shopping problem? My parents left all their life insurance money to my brother lol. He is supposed to give me a certain amount each month. I don’t even know how much he is supposed to give me. My mom has crap for life insurance since she has had cancer (skin cancer). My dad has a lot. I know my brother would give me the money. He is honest and trustworthy and loves me and my mom more than anything in the world. I also get my brother’s life insurance, after my mom, if he ever died.

I think I need a new wireless router. The one I have wouldn’t even work with Tiger. I know that because they gave me my MacBook Pro with it on there and the upgrade CD. It works with Leopard but goes out a lot. It’s not enough of an annoyance to buy a new one. It only happens every once in a while, but it has been happening a lot this morning. I hate when it happens at night and I am signed on AIM. AIM for Mac makes a noise when you connect, and it will wake me up when it is trying to reconnect.

Andrew is leaving tomorrow, and I don’t think he has time to come see me. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel. I was wayyyy more upset when Chris broke up with me, so maybe I’ll be okay. I am 100% over Chris now. It’s just so hard to get over him and continue to talk to him and see him. I won’t be seeing him anymore, but I’ll still be talking to him. When Chris and I first broke up, he moved in with two of his friends that I HATED!!!! So I never went to see him once. Then he ended up moving to Arizona, and I had no phone number for him, so it was easy. Dede went to NY and left the country to play soccer. But I still feel like it’s the end of the world with Andrew. I feel like I will never get over him. I know I will because you always do, but I hate feeling this way right now.

I can’t wait to go to NY. My aunt is great. Everyone always feel sorry for me and pays for me to come see them lol. TJ did it so I could go to Japan, Babz has done it multiple times for me to go see her near DC, and my aunt just did it.

I am bored. I don’t want to end this post. I don’t want to go back to the mall. People that work there are getting to know me. Yesterday the girl at Mac asked me if I was feeling better. I told her I was having a bad day the other day. The girl at American Eagle asked me if she was going to see me everyday. It’s kind of embarrassing. There is absolutely nothing I need.

I missed my knitting class last Wednesday because Andrew upset me.

Okay. Bye.

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JKksadksad

I ended up going to the ER with Christy earlier. She was throwing up (and everything else) all last night and today. Her lovely husband left her alone. I stayed for like an hour and a half. Then I got really tired and called my mom and told her to pick her up when she is ready. We went to this new hospital here. Christy said she has taken her son there and it’s never busy. It didn’t look busy when we got there, but they took forever to call her back, and when they did, she was in the hallway getting and IV and everything. When I left, the waiting room was PACKED!!!!!

I wear the same size jeans as Christy now. I can give her all my clothes that I wear at this size. I only have 3 pairs of jeans that fit me. I bought a new pair today. They are a tiny bit too tight on me, but that’s good. Christy still looks a lot skinnier than me. I guess it’s because she is really skinny up top.

I have been talking to Andrew on the phone NON-STOP. Every time I get off the phone with him, I call him back a half hour later. Andrew made me an email address to email him at so I don’t flood his other email that he was using to look for a job. I bet him and Rich are going to be mad at me. I know the password to it, so Rich asked me for Andrew’s email address, and I gave him the one I have the password to lol. I didn’t think about it, but I know I am going to get blamed for giving him that email address because I can read it. I just logged into it to see if Andrew checked his email, and there was an email from Rich. Of course I read it lol. I called Andrew and told him at like 12am. He said he was sleeping, but I logged into the account again, and he read it because it was read and I marked it as “unread”. I bet he said he was sleeping to get out of talking to me for the one millionth time today. I am surprised he didn’t delete it. He was also supposedly sleeping at 11:30pm last night, but he answers his phone. I don’t care if he lied to me. He has been talking to me a million times a day.

And damn search engines. They help people find my website when I really don’t want them to know how crazy I am. I didn’t think you could get here by googling my AIM or Yahoo name. I thought I took it out of every post.

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Ugh

I am supposed to be getting ready to go shopping, but my body hurts.

I am going to Buffalo, NY at the beginning of May. My aunt bought me a ticket. My mom’s family lives there. I am so excited. I love traveling. My aunt is also really cool. She’s a redhead too. I get to see my cousin who is schizophrenic and has a learning disability. He is so funny. At least I won’t be fat when I see my whole family. I’ll still be a little fat, but oh well.

You know that guy I met? When I got really drunk last night, I told him about Andrew. He wasn’t too happy. He really likes me, and I am going to give him a chance. He is cute and really nice. But if Andrew changes his mind, I would leave him in a second.

I am going shopping at some shops by where my mom is dropping my cousin off for a birthday party. I don’t even know what is there. I wish she would go to the mall with me, but she won’t, probably because she got drunk last night.

I am so tired. I have to get ready now.

Set your clocks ahead.

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Drunk

I’m finally just sobering up. I went out to eat with Jake, Christy, Jake’s parents (from CA), my mom and dad. I had one huge margarita that tasted like straight tequila. Then I had one corona. OMG jakes parents are so funny and cool. Jake has this friend named Andy and I have hung out with them quite a few times. Andy is SO hot. Jake’s mom was talking about me, her and him having a 3 some. She is fucking hilarious. She was saying she flashes people when she gets drunk!!! She is 51!!!! She is pretty though. I was falling asleep at the bar. Christy had to drive me home. Andrew fixed his phone and we made up. I cannot hold my alcohol anymore. That guy I met is telling me that he really likes me. I am so confused. Andrew says maybe he’ll miss me when he is gone and maybe want me to move with him. All I know is I am drunk. I am not as drunk as I was. I couldn’t even keep my head up. I was so bad at the bar (where we went after we ate) that the waitress asked me if I wanted water instead of a drink lol. It really sucks that I can’t drink anymore. If I drink, I get SOOOOO fucked up. I want to go back now that I am a little sobered up, but it is so warm in here and I was freezing. It is SO windy and cold out. Jakes mom is SO funny and cool. They are visiting from California. So this guy really likes me. I don’t know what to do. I like him too, but he is not Andrew. “Oh well, fuck it all” -Andrew (only he says it in German)

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jjjk

I went shopping at the mall. I got a sweat shirt from American Eagle and two shirts from Pac Sun. I was doing okay.

Then I called Andrew and started shit with him. I thought he hung up on me, then I get this email… “woo-hoo, got so pissed i threw my phone to the floor and broke it”. Good. He needs to feel something because I am in so much pain, so I am glad I pissed him off. I don’t believe that the answer was really yes. I believe he just strung me along, but he swears he didn’t. Then why would the answer be no now? He says it’s because I gen on his nerves, annoy him or something like that.

I am glad he is mad and has a broken phone. I am not being nice to him anymore.

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Fine

I am basically fine now. I had a horrible morning yesterday. I was crying my ass off in my psychiatrists office. I was crying so hard and whimpering. I waited and cried for about 30-45 minutes. There was people in there. An old lady sat next to me to try to cheer me up. When she left, this lady acroos the room whispered “are you okay?” It’s amazing how kind humans are. I went up to the front desk and told them I would be outside so to please have my doctor come out there and get me. The lady called my doctor and demanded that she see me immediately. So I went back immediately. Some lady left and there as one lady before me. I felt back because that lady was waiting for a long time.

I got my doctor to give me 1mg ativan. I am almost out, two days later, because 1mg doesn’t do shit. After that I calmed down. I have been talking to Andrew basically all day long for the past few days.

My mom took me out to dinner and shopping last night. We went to Ruby Tuesday’s and shared a meal since I cant eat much. I had 3 bites of food in 2 days. I lost 2 pounds. That was all I had to eat yesterday. I had steak, crab cake, and broccoli. We had mashed potatoes too, but I didn’t eat any. I threw most of the food up in their bathroom. I guess I threw it all up, but I came out and had a few more bites and I didn’t throw that up. We went to the mall. I went to Macy’s and went to Mac and got 3 eyeshadows, 2 brushes, and 2 eyeliners. My mom definitely felt bad for me if I didn’t even have to convince her to buy buy it all.

I got my first pair of jeans from a skinny store! I got a size 14 pair of jeans from American Eagle. They fit me perfectly. I don’t need a belt, and they are not too tight. I got an XL shirt from there. That really cheered me up. I got 5 pairs of undies from Victoria’s Secret. All size large.

I feel like everyone is going to think I was so stupid for believing that Andrew would let me move with him. It was stupid of me, but at least he will be gone. I can move on with my life. I am sure I will still talk to him and maybe visit him. But I will try to like other guys. Another guy is sure to get my mind off of him. I will try to keep busy. Believe it or not, I am not depressed. I am not depressed like I get when I post here. I am just very sad. Leslie gave me some good advice on how hard changes are. I always talk to her. She is very smart.

BTW, I canceled all of my domains, and was able to get them back. I canceled my myspace and flickr. I have a new flickr now. I found a program to backup all your photos you have one there.

Maybe this is a good thing, even though it hurts SO bad right now. Maybe I can convince my mom to take me shopping today. I am only going to have one pair of jeans while I lose weight. I will buy one pair when I lose another size. You can wear jeans a few times, and it’s not like I don’t have a washer and dryer. I don’t care what other people think. I have never really cared about what people think of me. I do in some ways, but not very much.

I am going to go to my mom’s now and try not to call Andrew too much today.

Edit-

Oh yeah, my GPS got stolen from my car. I ALWAYS lock the doors, and the window wasn’t broken, so they must have another way to get in. I am so upset.

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Court is in session, a verdict is in.

No appeal on the docket today…

I know what that song’s about, and I can relate to it, even if it’s not about love. The beginning just reminds me of us.

So Andrew says that I can’t move with him now. I canceled most of my domains. Actually, I tried to cancel them all, but for some reason a few of them didn’t get canceled. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop listening to depressing music. He says he is going to come visit me tonight for the last time. He says maybe he will stay the night. But I don’t know if he’ll come now, since I just pissed him off on the phone. I can’t call him because he is doing some stuff on base. He is trying to be really nice about it. He lost his temper and is mad because I keep asking if I can come visit him. He says he hasn’t even moved there yet, and I am already worried about it. Dumb thing to get mad about, huh?

I wish I could say it’s for the best and all that, but I am not at that point. I don’t know if I will ever be. Emily hasn’t gotten over her ex, neither has Amy. I think he may be the one I don’t get over. I got over Chris just fine. Maybe I will get over him. Everything seems impossible right now, but I guess time heals all wounds. Who knows how much time it will take to heal.

On top of that, my mom never went to the kidney doctor to make sure she doesn’t have cancer. She lied to me. She has an appointment during spring break. I am SO worried about that. If I lose my mom and Andrew, I will be in a mental institution. I don’t know if I will be alive. They will have to give me something to sedate me every time I wake up. Please believe that I am not exaggerating.

I think I had breakfast yesterday, I don’t remember. I know I didn’t have lunch and I had 3 bites of food for dinner. Your band gets real tight when you are under stress. Not that I would be able to eat anyways. I chewed a piece of chicken so well, and it still got stuck. They also say that your band gets real tight when you are PMSing. I think I am. Who knows, my period comes at random times, but since I have lost weight, it has been more regular.
I seriously considered killing myself last night. Not calling 911 because I get scared. Just taking all of my Seroquel to make me fall asleep and wash it down with some wine. I do wish God would take my life. Maybe there is a God, and maybe I will go to hell if I kill myself. I don’t really believe that, though.

So I guess this will be my domain. I don’t know if I will ever tell anybody. But, knowing me, I will. I just need a break. I feel so stupid for believing that he would let me move with him. I knew it was his last chance to play with my head. It’s still probably not even his last chance. I know I will continue to talk to him and hopefully change his mind. I wish I never met him. I promise, I would chose that if I could. Fuck “it’s better to love and lost than to never loved at all”. Fuck thinking that everything you go through in life makes you stronger. Everything I go through makes me weaker.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I learned to never be with someone who uses drugs from being with Chris. Maybe I will learn to never be with someone who treats you like shit from being with Andrew.

If my mom doesn’t have cancer, everything will be fine.

Well, I have to get ready to go to my psychiatrist appointment. I guess I scheduled it with good timing. I am going to BEG her to give me some anti-anxiety pills. I have to stop and get gas. I will have to use my credit card since my check card won’t go through with no money in it because I just got two overdraft fees.

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Bbbbbbbbbb

I now have lost more than half of the weight that I needed to lose in the beginning. I lost a pound today. I am starting to get worried about losing so much weight. I have lost 10 pounds in half a month. You are only supposed to lose 4-8 pounds a month with Lap-Band. If you lose more, you don’t get filled. I am not going to get filled next time either. That’s a good thing because I can barely eat anyways. I haven’t thrown up since the morning two days ago. I KNOW I would not be losing this much weight if I wasn’t eating healthy and exercising.

My dogs are at the groomers. It’s so lonely without them. They need it BAD. I always wait until they need it real bad to take them. I hate taking them there. Most of all because I have to carry them. I’ve never put Frenchie on a leash once. I know she would run away if I didn’t carry her because they hate the groomers. She is getting so fat too. She got sick of the light Science Diet, so I am feeding her regular. And Kelley was right. Science Diet makes them shit SO much. They go poop almost every time I take them out to the bathroom. I don’t really know how many times a day dogs are supposed to poop, but they poop a lot. I was good for once and just picked up all the poop in the yard. I usually take forever and my neighbor does it for me. She has a dog too.

My mom’s friend that she works with had gastric bypass 6 months ago. She is having complications and has a 50% chance of living. She has had two emergency surgeries. The first one she was rushed to the hospital, and they were literally running her down the hall on a stretcher to get her into surgery to save her life. She has been in the hospital for almost a month… I think. I know a few people that know people who have died from it. My neighbor right to the left of me, her mom died from it. I think I would have stayed fat rather than have that surgery. Lap-Band is a great alternative. The only thing about it is that they don’t know what happens in the long run. They think everything will be fine, but it is kind of new, so they don’t have long term studies on it. I don’t know how new it is. I know they were doing it other places before the US. I know Sharon Osbourne got it done a long time ago (and had it removed).

Andrew yelled at me twice yesterday and made me cry. I already didn’t feel good when I called him at night. I called him and he didn’t answer. Then I called him later and asked him where he was at when I called him. He said he was at the gym, and I told him that I didn’t believe him. He got so pissed off and started screaming at me. I was just joking… seriously. I hate him sometimes. The other time, earlier in the day, I told him that he better not change his mind about me moving with him. He started screaming at me saying that he has a choice. I know he does. God. I started crying. Then I told him that he still better not change his mind… just to piss him off. He didn’t get mad that time. He says that I drive him crazy, but I am glad I do because he drives me crazy too. I bought him the Family Guy Star Wars episode (Blue Harvest or whatever the hell it’s called). He loved it. He told me that he had it in his hand and he was going to buy it himself, but he changed his mind. He does make me happy most of the time. That’s why I always call him when I am depressed, but sometimes he is such an ass. He is nice to me too. He’s not always an ass, but I always blog about all the bad things just to vent. He can be really sweet. And things are a lot better than they used to be. At least I don’t feel the need to go psycho on him anymore because he is being better. He does a lot of things to make me happy. I know he does stuff that he doesn’t want to do just to make me happy. He hates going places and is very anti-social, but he hangs out with me to make me happy. Not that he shouldn’t. But everything for him is hard. He is so weird. He HATES talking on the phone, but he will talk to me for hours to make me happy. We talked on the phone for 4 hours like a week ago. He doesn’t get mad about me calling him all the time anymore. He says sweet things. I know he’s still difficult, and he still isn’t as great as he should be and compared to other guys, but he tries. He is just weird. You have to be patient with him. He is an original.

I am talking about him a lot again. Oh well. I love him, and he does make me happy most of the time.

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