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Bbbbbbbbbb

I now have lost more than half of the weight that I needed to lose in the beginning. I lost a pound today. I am starting to get worried about losing so much weight. I have lost 10 pounds in half a month. You are only supposed to lose 4-8 pounds a month with Lap-Band. If you lose more, you don’t get filled. I am not going to get filled next time either. That’s a good thing because I can barely eat anyways. I haven’t thrown up since the morning two days ago. I KNOW I would not be losing this much weight if I wasn’t eating healthy and exercising.

My dogs are at the groomers. It’s so lonely without them. They need it BAD. I always wait until they need it real bad to take them. I hate taking them there. Most of all because I have to carry them. I’ve never put Frenchie on a leash once. I know she would run away if I didn’t carry her because they hate the groomers. She is getting so fat too. She got sick of the light Science Diet, so I am feeding her regular. And Kelley was right. Science Diet makes them shit SO much. They go poop almost every time I take them out to the bathroom. I don’t really know how many times a day dogs are supposed to poop, but they poop a lot. I was good for once and just picked up all the poop in the yard. I usually take forever and my neighbor does it for me. She has a dog too.

My mom’s friend that she works with had gastric bypass 6 months ago. She is having complications and has a 50% chance of living. She has had two emergency surgeries. The first one she was rushed to the hospital, and they were literally running her down the hall on a stretcher to get her into surgery to save her life. She has been in the hospital for almost a month… I think. I know a few people that know people who have died from it. My neighbor right to the left of me, her mom died from it. I think I would have stayed fat rather than have that surgery. Lap-Band is a great alternative. The only thing about it is that they don’t know what happens in the long run. They think everything will be fine, but it is kind of new, so they don’t have long term studies on it. I don’t know how new it is. I know they were doing it other places before the US. I know Sharon Osbourne got it done a long time ago (and had it removed).

Andrew yelled at me twice yesterday and made me cry. I already didn’t feel good when I called him at night. I called him and he didn’t answer. Then I called him later and asked him where he was at when I called him. He said he was at the gym, and I told him that I didn’t believe him. He got so pissed off and started screaming at me. I was just joking… seriously. I hate him sometimes. The other time, earlier in the day, I told him that he better not change his mind about me moving with him. He started screaming at me saying that he has a choice. I know he does. God. I started crying. Then I told him that he still better not change his mind… just to piss him off. He didn’t get mad that time. He says that I drive him crazy, but I am glad I do because he drives me crazy too. I bought him the Family Guy Star Wars episode (Blue Harvest or whatever the hell it’s called). He loved it. He told me that he had it in his hand and he was going to buy it himself, but he changed his mind. He does make me happy most of the time. That’s why I always call him when I am depressed, but sometimes he is such an ass. He is nice to me too. He’s not always an ass, but I always blog about all the bad things just to vent. He can be really sweet. And things are a lot better than they used to be. At least I don’t feel the need to go psycho on him anymore because he is being better. He does a lot of things to make me happy. I know he does stuff that he doesn’t want to do just to make me happy. He hates going places and is very anti-social, but he hangs out with me to make me happy. Not that he shouldn’t. But everything for him is hard. He is so weird. He HATES talking on the phone, but he will talk to me for hours to make me happy. We talked on the phone for 4 hours like a week ago. He doesn’t get mad about me calling him all the time anymore. He says sweet things. I know he’s still difficult, and he still isn’t as great as he should be and compared to other guys, but he tries. He is just weird. You have to be patient with him. He is an original.

I am talking about him a lot again. Oh well. I love him, and he does make me happy most of the time.

Posted in Andrew, Andy, Frenchie, Lap-Band Surgery, Pets | No Comments »

Hhsdahjasd

I am so miserable. I am back to being depressed again. I am starting to understand Andrew better. I want to listen to angry music, just like him. I can’t talk to anyone, just like him. I made my mom cry today and I didn’t care, something he does to me. I don’t want to go anywhere, just like him. The last few times he has been over here, he has been really depressed. I know it’s him and not me, now. Until like a couple weeks ago, for almost 2 years, I thought it was my fault. I thought there was something wrong with me. “Am I too fat?” “Am I too ugly?” That’s all I thought. I can’t believe that I believed that for over 1 year and 7 months. I seriously believed that every-single-day. The thought NEVER entered my mind that maybe it’s him. He tried to tell me, but I didn’t believe him. I still think it’s me in some ways. “What if I was perfect looking?” “What if I weighed 110 pounds and looked like a Barbi?” I now know that Andrew doesn’t think I am ugly, after a recent conversation I had with him. What am I talking about? I still believe it’s me. If some other girl was in love with him, then he’d treat her better.

Andrew knows EVERYTHING bad about me. He knows stuff I don’t even post on here. I don’t think any other guy would want to be with me once they find out everything bad about me. It doesn’t even matter. I can’t even give any other guys a chance. I feel nothing when I talk to other guys. I felt nothing when I kissed that guy. I don’t like talking to him on the phone. He annoys me. I can’t come up with anything to say to him. I am not interested. I don’t give a fuck. I just want to tell him something bad so he won’t like me anymore. I want to like him… but I can’t.

I keep calling my mom, then I’ll sit there on the phone and say absolutely nothing for 5 minutes straight. Then later, I’ll think I am in a better mood, and I’ll call her back, then I find out that I still have nothing to say.

Sometimes I seem like I am happy on this blog… I guess. I am not. I am a miserable person. Ask my mom. Ask Emily, my best friend. They know how miserable I am. I treat them like shit, just like Andrew treats me like shit. Why do I complain about him so much when I do the same thing to other people? He is the only person I am nice to.

I don’t want to be friends with Christy anymore. Sarah is alright, but I don’t want to hang out with her. I will always want to be friends with Emily, but I treat her like shit.

One day my mom is going to die, and I am going to have to live with how I treated her when she was alive. I love her more than it is possible to love someone, but I am so miserable that I treat her like I hate her. She tried to talk to me today, but I couldn’t talk. She was just getting on my nerves with her questions, so she started crying. I told her to just give me some money so I can leave. It totally reminds me of Andrew. I know he cares about me, but he is miserable just like me.

I guess some of it is just because I am depressed. I am not always miserable and in a bad mood. I do have an attitude problem a lot of the time, but sometimes I am nice to people. Not liking any other guys has nothing to do with me being depressed. I couldn’t see any guys for a long time after Chris broke up with me.

Enough about that. Other than this morning, the last 3 mornings in a row, my neighbors and I have woken up to shit on the walkway in front of our apartments. It looked like a large dog did it. My neighbors believed that a human was doing it. I don’t know, but it was gross. The last day it was smack in front of my door. My nosy neighbor picked it up for me. It made to scared to take my dogs out at 2am last night just thinking that there may be some sicko outside shitting on the sidewalk. Dogs usually don’t poop on cement. I don’t see stray dogs around here. I wonder if there was a reason it was in front of my door. Maybe someone hates me. I really wonder if it was a person or a dog. I live in the city, so there’s no telling. I hate taking my dogs out in the middle of the night. This area is not too bad, but there will be a million dollar house next to a hotel that crack heads stay at (at least in the winter when they are cheap to stay in). There are a lot of weirdos out at night here. There are some homeless people. I have NO clue why someone would want to live in a million dollar house down here at the beach. I hate it. Too many drunks, too much traffic, etc.

My mom got the number for some big guy at Stihl (they make chainsaws and tools. it’s a factory.) for Andrew. He applied for a job there. Her boss knows some guy there. It’s like really hard to get a job there, and they pay really good money. Actually, Andrew’s roommate and his roommate’s wife works there, so I don’t know why Andrew said that they couldn’t help him get a job there. My brother worked there before he joined the Navy. Andrew wants some technician job there or something. I don’t know. I don’t know if he will even call the guy because he is an idiot like that. He is not a go-getter. I haven’t talked to him about it yet.

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, Bipolar, Family, Friends, Health, Mom | 2 Comments »

Ummm

I lost another pound. Maybe two. I can’t remember if I posted about the last one I lost. Sometimes I feel so fat. Like I am as fat as I used to be.

So… I met this guy. I got SO sloppy drunk that he had to go home lol. I was falling asleep. I kissed him. Amazingly he called me the next morning. He is cute, he is nice, but I don’t like him. I can’t like anybody else. Even though I was DRUNK OFF MY ASS, all I kept thinking about was Andrew.

I get drunk fast as shit now. At first I wasn’t. Now one glass of wine and I am fuckeddddd up. That’s why I keep getting out of control drunk. I don’t realize that I’ve had enough, and all of the sudden it hits me. As soon as he left, I fell asleep.

I told Andrew I wouldn’t call him this weekend because he is visiting his friend in NC It’s torture. Maybe I’ll call him late tonight when he is probably going to be home.

So yeah………. I lied about getting rid of Andrew like I always do. It’s not just you that I lie to, I lie to myself also.

I’ve been working on hacking my iPhone for about 3 days now. I FINALLY got it. It was a PAIN. Mostly because I upgraded to the new firmware, and there was limited stuff out for it.

I’m about to post about how to do it, because I would love to help anyone not go through the trouble I have been through.

Posted in Andrew, Lap-Band Surgery | No Comments »

Lalalal

So I’m still talking to Andrew It’s so hard to not talk to someone you’ve talked to almost every day for 2 years. One year, 8 months and 11 days, to be exact. I met him June 17th, 2006. I have it in my archives, but I remember it because it was the day after my dad’s birthday. I know the day I slept with Randy because it was St. Patrick’s Day. I ODed the day after because Andrew was so mad at me. Something bad happened between Andrew and I on September 11th. I need to stay away from him or anything that has to do with him on event dates, birthdays and holidays.

I will never let anyone know the address of this site. I am talking to a few guys, and only one knows about Andrew. The only reason I told him is because I don’t like him all that much. Besides, I say wayyyyy too much on this site. I let everyone know how crazy I really am. They can find out that I am crazy after they like me enough to not care. The only one that knows about my surgery is the one I don’t like. I met him in person, and he keeps bugging me to have sex with him. It is SUCH a turn off when someone begs you to have sex with them. Guys are fucking pathetic.

I had no clue that my iPhone can’t receive multimedia messages. You have to login to an AT&T website to see them. I hate that. You have to enter a password and user name they send you. It is random numbers and letters, so it makes it even more annoying. My iPhone also keeps hanging up on Andrew and AT&T customer service. I have no clue why I keep losing my signal only when I am talking to them. I’ve never had a problem with a signal before I got this stupid phone. It hung up on Andrew 3 times yesterday. I got frustrated and told him that I’d call him tomorrow. It hung up on AT&T customer service two times before I even got to talk to anyone.

If I am ever in an emergency, and I need a tube put down to my stomach, it is important that the hospital know that they can’t stick a tube down to my stomach without a scope. They could rip my stomach open. That makes me nervous.

I am going to the gym now. Bye bye

Edit-

OMG you can’t even save the multimedia messages because they are Adobe Flash Player files. The message also expires in 7 days. I guess I am back to my search for the perfect cell phone lol. The BlackBerry Curve came close, except for the horrible battery life.

Posted in Andrew, Lap-Band Surgery | 2 Comments »

Decision

I’m sad to say that I am honestly falling out of love with Andrew. Maybe I’ll fall back in love with him one day, maybe not. I wanted all of his attention for so long, now that I have it, I don’t want it. I can’t take him anymore. He is a miserable person, and now I know it’s not my fault and I can’t change him. I have even been talking to other guys. He was miserable last night, as usual. He gets depressed sometimes, and I don’t know. I get depressed too, but it’s nothing like him. He gets so mean. He has tried to make me happy, and his best isn’t good enough for me. I would be so miserable living with him. I swear, he hasn’t told me that I can’t live with him, it’s my decision. Last night made me really realize. He has serious problems, and I always thought it was me.

I got an iphone yesterday. It’s annoying as shit. I hate typing on it.

I am hurt, even though it’s my decision.

Edit-
Okay, I thought about it. I don’t know if I am still in love with him or not. I know I still love him. But I still don’t want to be with him.

I barely ate anything yesterday. Most of what I ate, I threw up. I lost a pound.

Posted in Andrew, General, Lap-Band Surgery | 2 Comments »

I hate my life… as usual

Being bipolar or having a mental illness is the hardest thing I can imagine going through. I would rather be in any amount of physical pain than go through this.

I am obsessing over something that I only share with very few people. The only people I have ever told is my mom, Emily, Janet and Sarah.

I woke up in a REALLY bad mood. I didn’t sleep well last night, and I have no clue why because my new medicine has been knocking me the fuck out every single night.

I texted Andrew and told him that I’m not in love with him anymore. I told him that loving him is just a bad habit I can’t seem to break. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I don’t know anymore. If I really do move with him, I bet you anything that I’ll end up leaving him. I can’t take his shit anymore. I can’t take his smart ass attitude. He doesn’t really say mean things to me anymore, but I still can’t take it. He is a miserable person to be around. No one will ever put up with his shit.

I am EXTREMELY in debt. I can’t stop shopping. I seriously need help. It’s making me more depressed. I will be paying off my credit cards for probably 30 years. Or until my mom pays them off for me so I can run them up again. If she does, I will cancel them and just keep my $500.00 credit card. It was $300, but they increased the limit. There is seriously something wrong with me.

I am sick of throwing up. I am waiting for the day to feel excruciating pain in my stomach to tell me that my band has slipped. I will be SO lucky if it doesn’t, as much as I throw up. I don’t want to have surgery again.

My scars from the surgery look SO good. You can barely see them anymore. Like I even care with all the stretch marks I have. My thighs are getting saggy; my arms are getting saggy. My ass looks pathetic. But it always has. My back goes straight down to the bottom of my ass. Andrew says he’ll like me more when I get a boob job. See what I mean? It was my question, but still. I don’t know if he was serious or not. Why did I have to fall in love with him out of all people? Why did either one of us let things go as far as the have? Trust me, he did. If it was some other guy, I would have gave up on him a LONG time ago. I loved Chris so much when he broke up on me, but he didn’t let things continue, so I left him alone, and I fell out of love with him. I feel like I have waisted almost two years of my life. Maybe I could have met someone that really makes me happy, instead of wasting my time on Andrew. But you know me, I know me, I am going to waste more time on him.

One gooooood thing about living alone is that you don’t have a husband or kids that want to eat junk food that you can’t have. Every time I go to my mom’s house, I get so tempted to eat all of the crap she has. OMG, she had girl scout cookies the other day, and I didn’t have one.

I hate my life.

Posted in Andrew, Bipolar, Health, Lap-Band Surgery | 2 Comments »

Boredddddd

I’m boreddddd. I have been to everyone’s sites a million times. When I am bored, it’s like a habit to visit my dailies. I do it without even thinking. I am also wayyyy into flickr now. I didn’t get it for a long time, but it’s addictive. I love looking at everyone’s photos. Something I never do, though, is visit new sites. I can’t get into reading posts about someone I don’t know, or haven’t read their blog for a little while. I NEVER comment on people’s sites besides my dailies. I even have trouble returning comments.

Lalalaala. I am SO bored today. I have been keeping busy, so that’s probably why I feel so bored. I am having trouble waiting to call Andrew. He is in Richmond, and I know he has a job interview. He HATES talking on the phone, but I force him. He can talk to me for a long time, so I don’t know why he hates it so much. You can even tell he hates it by those recordings I posted, that he made me delete. I can’t believe he was mad about that. He said it was psycho for me to do and he was disappointed in me. It was a joke. He gets mad so easily.

I didn’t even look to see what time I put these Whitestrips on. Damn. They are not making much of a difference, but I didn’t put them on for awhile because I was SO depressed. I was too depressed to even put them on. I have 4 left, and you use two a day.

I NEED to get my dogs groomed SO bad. I hate going there. It’s a pain in the butt.

I can’t go to the gym today for a certain reason. It’s not because I have my period, because I don’t give a fuck about that.

My apartment is mostly clean. I could always dust. I never dust. I hate it. It doesn’t get that dusty in here anyways. My mom’s house gets real dusty.

Edit-

Oh yeah, the insurance company decided that it was both my mom’s fault and the other ladies. So they don’t have to pay anything

Posted in Andrew | No Comments »

Lap-Band

I just got back from the surgeons. I lost 14 pounds since I saw him last. I saw him on the 17th of last month, I believe. That’s one month and one day. Andrew hates when I do that lol. Like you guys couldn’t figure out how long it was.

I don’t want people to believe that lap-band makes you lose that much weight, because it doesn’t. I have lost over 40% of my extra weight. It takes most people a year to do that… they say. I don’t know, though, because the people on the lap-band forum are doing pretty good. I think it would take you that long if you didn’t eat healthy and exercise. I have cheated very few times, but I have cheated. I don’t eat candy or anything like that, but I have had pizza two times and chicken nuggets a few times. I had chocolate on Christmas Eve, and I think that’s it. 20 pounds before the surgery. 37 after the surgery in 3 months and 4 days.

I liked that last fill he gave me It was too much, but I didn’t say anything. It was worth the torture of not being able to eat and getting food stuck. I have only thrown up 2 times in the last 4 days. Food has got stuck, but I can manage not to throw it up sometimes.

I didn’t ask him about the boob job because there was a nurse in there and two students. I don’t think I have any questions about it anyways. I will think of some later. I have a long time to wait until I can get one. However long it takes me to lose the rest of my weight. I probably won’t lose as much this month because I didn’t get filled. I didn’t need to, though. I think I would have turned one down if her offered.

I am soooooooo happy!!!!

Andrew checked his email too, and he said he will when he gets home. Not that it means he will. I have been texting him a million times instead of emailing him anyways. He doesn’t complain, but I’d hate to see his phone bill. I know he doesn’t have unlimited texting. I’m surprised he hasn’t complained about it yet. I still don’t believe he is looking at his phone bill. I need to ask him, but I don’t want to bring it up so he will complain. I would think he’d complain about his phone beeping all the time because he is anal like that.

I’m off to hang out with my guy friend. I need someone just in case Andrew doesn’t work out. Not that I would give a fuck about any other guys if Andrew didn’t work out. And no, I haven’t slept with him or even kissed him, and I don’t plan on it. I want to hang ot with Shane (my friend for 12 years), but I know he will try to kiss me. I just want him to see me now since I haven’t seen him in a few months.

Posted in Andrew, Lap-Band Surgery | No Comments »

What a day

Sooooo… today has been the day from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, Andrew did go out the other night. He drank some absinthe that he got from Spain. I am not too happy about that. He drank it at like 7:30pm, and he doesn’t remember anything that happened after that. He said he is never drinking it again. What he explained to me was pretty crazy. All of it was what his friends told him, since he doesn’t remember anything.

When I talked to him yesterday, I was back a asking my ridiculous questions. I asked him if he would ever cheat on me… which I have asked him a million times before. He has always said “No!” firmly. Last night he said that he would if he thought he wouldn’t get caught. I was so pissed off, but I let it slide. So today I get this hair up my ass and decide that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I call him and he answers. I tell him that I need to talk to him about something in person. He kept bugging me to tell him what it is. I wouldn’t tell him. So he says “fine, if you don’t want to tell me then there’s no sense in us talking on the phone.” He didn’t hang up on me, we just got off the phone. So I call him later and he is still mad that I won’t tell him, then I ask him about the cheating on me thing again, and he says that he wouldn’t. So we make up, and I told him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore, but I had changed my mind. I said “aren’t you going to say something smart ass about it, like ‘too bad’?” He said “no.” So everything is fine, and I do believe that he would never cheat on me, but he is a guy, and I don’t trust ANY guys. If he cheats on me, it’s okay… because I will go PP-SS-YY-CC-HH-OO!!!!! I will leave him and take everything we freaking own… including Mr. President (the dog he wants). He claims I can have everything but the dog if I leave him. I guess you can’t worry about it until it happens. I just have to trust what he says. If it does happen, it will be fine, seriously, because I will lose all feelings I have for him at that very moment. It will be something right out of a Carrie Underwood song. I don’t know what to do or think… I guess. I don’t even know if he was being serious about cheating on me if he would never get caught. I will talk to him about it more some other time.

He is in Baltimore right now. He has a job interview tomorrow morning. He was driving up there the first time I talked to him, then the second time he was in his hotel. He has a job interview in Richmond, VA on Tuesday. So he won’t be home until Tuesday night. Then I think he has something here on Wednesday. I forget. I never remember what he tells me.

I was all depressed even if I was the one who decided I didn’t want to be with him.

The second part of my day…

My mom, my cousin and I go to Target. I was SO tired because the doctor is fucking with my medicine. I asked my mom if we could go, and I didn’t even see anything that I wanted. She says that she doesn’t need the stuff we picked up, so we can just leave. I was arguing with her in the car, and we were driving my car. My dad had her truck, and she couldn’t drive his because there is no back seats. So we take my car. She is backing out and her and this other lady hit each other. The other lady was also backing out. My mom was freaking out because she’s never been in a car accident in her life. I call the cops, and they don’t come on private property. So both the lady and my mom are freaking out. They weren’t yelling or anything, but they were two idiot women drivers wondering what the fuck they should do. I am trying to tell them to exchange insurance information, but they were being retarded. The lady calls her insurance company, so my mom tells me to call mine. I call mine, and I can barely even think because I am so tired because of my new medicine. I was arguing with my mom about her driving me home and my dad following her because I am so tired because of my meds (when the accident happened). I have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow, so I need my car. Anyways the two dumb ass drivers exchange information and we leave. I don’t know whose fault it was; they both were backing out at the same exact time. At this moment, I don’t really care. There’s a dent in the other lady’s car, and a small scratch on mine, so it was probably my mom’s fault. If it was, that’s fine. We are not trying to argue about it and dispute it. Whatever they decide is fine.

I can still barely even think. This post is long, and I don’t know if it made much sense. I don’t know if I am going to be able to stay on this medicine. I CANNOT think.

Seriously, though, my mom and that lady were retarded. They acted like it was the end of the world. How hard is it to copy down your insurance info? I told them that that’s what the cops said to do. Also, if my mom was the driver… who pays for it? My insurance company or hers? She says hers, but I think it’s mine since it was my car. My fucking insurance just went down from like $80.00 to $65.00 too. I only have liability, but there’s nothing wrong with my car anyways.

The only good thing that happened today is that I lost another pound… even after I had one meal and water all day.

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, Family, Mom | 2 Comments »

Breasts

Yeah Leslie, I was talking about a breast life too. They will do that when they do the reduction. But the breasts that have implants put in them look better than the ones that don’t.

The reason I thought Andrew didn’t go out last night was because I called him in the middle of the night and he didn’t answer. I was kind of mad about that. But he just texted me and said “I am sick”, so I guess he probably didn’t go out. Unless he meant to say “I am sick of your shit” lol. Cause I texted him like 7 times this morning. Nahh… he would have finished the sentence.

I just got back from the mall, and I am TIRED. I am going to try to take a nap.

Posted in Andrew, Lap-Band Surgery | 1 Comment »