Girl-Interrupted.net

Back

I’m back from my vacation, and now my miserable life can resume.

My apartment was a fucking mess when I walked in the door. The coffee table was moved across the room. Maybe they were playing RockBand or something and needed the drums, if not, I have no fucking clue why. My AC was on full blast and it was fucking freezing in here, and it still is. My TV was on and the volume was up way high. There was dog piss EVERYWHERE.

I’m sure my cousin (that my mom adopted) was taking the dogs out, and she is a lazy fat fuck. I bet she didn’t pick up the dog shit outside like I told her to do. I just got yelled at by my landlord before I left about doing that. My mom said my cousin cleaned the kitchen. Reallyyyyyyyyy????????? It’s fucking disgusting. Shit all over the counter, crumbs, receipts, dirty marks on the floor like liquid was spilled. She is seriously one LAZY ass bitch. She doesn’t do anything right. Not that I expected her to clean, but if you’re going to say you did, at least do it right.

Like when she stays the night, Andy will jump out of the bed because she is awake, and he needs to go out as soon as he wakes up. Well, she lets him piss and shit on the floor instead of taking him out when I am sleeping. My dogs are not perfect, but they will not piss and shit if you take them out like you are supposed to.

There’s this girl… I don’t know her URL, not that I would say. I’ve seen her avatar on flickr and twitter, and she is ugly. Ugly people should not make ugly faces. I think most people in this world are pretty or at least average looking, but some people’s looks annoy the fuck out of me. And it’s not that they are hideous or anything, just something about them drives me crazy.

Speaking of ugly people… my cousin in NY is fat, ugly, and has a horrible personality, and her fiance is HOT! My aunt always says she is witty. I didn’t see an ounce of wit. I remember she stayed with us for a little while when I was like 19, and she annoyed the fuck out of me then. We went to a gay bar together, and she was so embarrassing.

I love my aunt though, and my cousin that is schizophrenic and has a learning disability. Oh, I love my uncle too. I love my other cousin that came here twice last summer. She is funny, full figured, and still pretty. She was a little annoying, but not too bad. My aunt totally spoils me. She spoils her whole family. Other than that, my aunt and mom don’t talk to any other family they have, and they have a huge family.

I am such a bitch, I know. I am not claiming I am perfect.

Can you tell I am in a bad mood? I would have been fine if my apartment wasn’t a mess. I am not too tired.

My cousin (that my mom adopted) has been coming here. I know she was a while ago, but I think my mom may have discovered my site also, so guess whose IP I am about to ban. They’ll be too stupid to use a proxy, and they probably won’t even figure out they are banned. Oh yeah… I guess I should take out the custom forbidden page.

Posted in Bad Day, Family, Mom | 3 Comments »

Fine

I am basically fine now. I had a horrible morning yesterday. I was crying my ass off in my psychiatrists office. I was crying so hard and whimpering. I waited and cried for about 30-45 minutes. There was people in there. An old lady sat next to me to try to cheer me up. When she left, this lady acroos the room whispered “are you okay?” It’s amazing how kind humans are. I went up to the front desk and told them I would be outside so to please have my doctor come out there and get me. The lady called my doctor and demanded that she see me immediately. So I went back immediately. Some lady left and there as one lady before me. I felt back because that lady was waiting for a long time.

I got my doctor to give me 1mg ativan. I am almost out, two days later, because 1mg doesn’t do shit. After that I calmed down. I have been talking to Andrew basically all day long for the past few days.

My mom took me out to dinner and shopping last night. We went to Ruby Tuesday’s and shared a meal since I cant eat much. I had 3 bites of food in 2 days. I lost 2 pounds. That was all I had to eat yesterday. I had steak, crab cake, and broccoli. We had mashed potatoes too, but I didn’t eat any. I threw most of the food up in their bathroom. I guess I threw it all up, but I came out and had a few more bites and I didn’t throw that up. We went to the mall. I went to Macy’s and went to Mac and got 3 eyeshadows, 2 brushes, and 2 eyeliners. My mom definitely felt bad for me if I didn’t even have to convince her to buy buy it all.

I got my first pair of jeans from a skinny store! I got a size 14 pair of jeans from American Eagle. They fit me perfectly. I don’t need a belt, and they are not too tight. I got an XL shirt from there. That really cheered me up. I got 5 pairs of undies from Victoria’s Secret. All size large.

I feel like everyone is going to think I was so stupid for believing that Andrew would let me move with him. It was stupid of me, but at least he will be gone. I can move on with my life. I am sure I will still talk to him and maybe visit him. But I will try to like other guys. Another guy is sure to get my mind off of him. I will try to keep busy. Believe it or not, I am not depressed. I am not depressed like I get when I post here. I am just very sad. Leslie gave me some good advice on how hard changes are. I always talk to her. She is very smart.

BTW, I canceled all of my domains, and was able to get them back. I canceled my myspace and flickr. I have a new flickr now. I found a program to backup all your photos you have one there.

Maybe this is a good thing, even though it hurts SO bad right now. Maybe I can convince my mom to take me shopping today. I am only going to have one pair of jeans while I lose weight. I will buy one pair when I lose another size. You can wear jeans a few times, and it’s not like I don’t have a washer and dryer. I don’t care what other people think. I have never really cared about what people think of me. I do in some ways, but not very much.

I am going to go to my mom’s now and try not to call Andrew too much today.

Edit-

Oh yeah, my GPS got stolen from my car. I ALWAYS lock the doors, and the window wasn’t broken, so they must have another way to get in. I am so upset.

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, Friends, Lap-Band Surgery | No Comments »

Court is in session, a verdict is in.

No appeal on the docket today…

I know what that song’s about, and I can relate to it, even if it’s not about love. The beginning just reminds me of us.

So Andrew says that I can’t move with him now. I canceled most of my domains. Actually, I tried to cancel them all, but for some reason a few of them didn’t get canceled. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop listening to depressing music. He says he is going to come visit me tonight for the last time. He says maybe he will stay the night. But I don’t know if he’ll come now, since I just pissed him off on the phone. I can’t call him because he is doing some stuff on base. He is trying to be really nice about it. He lost his temper and is mad because I keep asking if I can come visit him. He says he hasn’t even moved there yet, and I am already worried about it. Dumb thing to get mad about, huh?

I wish I could say it’s for the best and all that, but I am not at that point. I don’t know if I will ever be. Emily hasn’t gotten over her ex, neither has Amy. I think he may be the one I don’t get over. I got over Chris just fine. Maybe I will get over him. Everything seems impossible right now, but I guess time heals all wounds. Who knows how much time it will take to heal.

On top of that, my mom never went to the kidney doctor to make sure she doesn’t have cancer. She lied to me. She has an appointment during spring break. I am SO worried about that. If I lose my mom and Andrew, I will be in a mental institution. I don’t know if I will be alive. They will have to give me something to sedate me every time I wake up. Please believe that I am not exaggerating.

I think I had breakfast yesterday, I don’t remember. I know I didn’t have lunch and I had 3 bites of food for dinner. Your band gets real tight when you are under stress. Not that I would be able to eat anyways. I chewed a piece of chicken so well, and it still got stuck. They also say that your band gets real tight when you are PMSing. I think I am. Who knows, my period comes at random times, but since I have lost weight, it has been more regular.
I seriously considered killing myself last night. Not calling 911 because I get scared. Just taking all of my Seroquel to make me fall asleep and wash it down with some wine. I do wish God would take my life. Maybe there is a God, and maybe I will go to hell if I kill myself. I don’t really believe that, though.

So I guess this will be my domain. I don’t know if I will ever tell anybody. But, knowing me, I will. I just need a break. I feel so stupid for believing that he would let me move with him. I knew it was his last chance to play with my head. It’s still probably not even his last chance. I know I will continue to talk to him and hopefully change his mind. I wish I never met him. I promise, I would chose that if I could. Fuck “it’s better to love and lost than to never loved at all”. Fuck thinking that everything you go through in life makes you stronger. Everything I go through makes me weaker.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I learned to never be with someone who uses drugs from being with Chris. Maybe I will learn to never be with someone who treats you like shit from being with Andrew.

If my mom doesn’t have cancer, everything will be fine.

Well, I have to get ready to go to my psychiatrist appointment. I guess I scheduled it with good timing. I am going to BEG her to give me some anti-anxiety pills. I have to stop and get gas. I will have to use my credit card since my check card won’t go through with no money in it because I just got two overdraft fees.

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, Bipolar, Health, Lap-Band Surgery | No Comments »

Hhsdahjasd

I am so miserable. I am back to being depressed again. I am starting to understand Andrew better. I want to listen to angry music, just like him. I can’t talk to anyone, just like him. I made my mom cry today and I didn’t care, something he does to me. I don’t want to go anywhere, just like him. The last few times he has been over here, he has been really depressed. I know it’s him and not me, now. Until like a couple weeks ago, for almost 2 years, I thought it was my fault. I thought there was something wrong with me. “Am I too fat?” “Am I too ugly?” That’s all I thought. I can’t believe that I believed that for over 1 year and 7 months. I seriously believed that every-single-day. The thought NEVER entered my mind that maybe it’s him. He tried to tell me, but I didn’t believe him. I still think it’s me in some ways. “What if I was perfect looking?” “What if I weighed 110 pounds and looked like a Barbi?” I now know that Andrew doesn’t think I am ugly, after a recent conversation I had with him. What am I talking about? I still believe it’s me. If some other girl was in love with him, then he’d treat her better.

Andrew knows EVERYTHING bad about me. He knows stuff I don’t even post on here. I don’t think any other guy would want to be with me once they find out everything bad about me. It doesn’t even matter. I can’t even give any other guys a chance. I feel nothing when I talk to other guys. I felt nothing when I kissed that guy. I don’t like talking to him on the phone. He annoys me. I can’t come up with anything to say to him. I am not interested. I don’t give a fuck. I just want to tell him something bad so he won’t like me anymore. I want to like him… but I can’t.

I keep calling my mom, then I’ll sit there on the phone and say absolutely nothing for 5 minutes straight. Then later, I’ll think I am in a better mood, and I’ll call her back, then I find out that I still have nothing to say.

Sometimes I seem like I am happy on this blog… I guess. I am not. I am a miserable person. Ask my mom. Ask Emily, my best friend. They know how miserable I am. I treat them like shit, just like Andrew treats me like shit. Why do I complain about him so much when I do the same thing to other people? He is the only person I am nice to.

I don’t want to be friends with Christy anymore. Sarah is alright, but I don’t want to hang out with her. I will always want to be friends with Emily, but I treat her like shit.

One day my mom is going to die, and I am going to have to live with how I treated her when she was alive. I love her more than it is possible to love someone, but I am so miserable that I treat her like I hate her. She tried to talk to me today, but I couldn’t talk. She was just getting on my nerves with her questions, so she started crying. I told her to just give me some money so I can leave. It totally reminds me of Andrew. I know he cares about me, but he is miserable just like me.

I guess some of it is just because I am depressed. I am not always miserable and in a bad mood. I do have an attitude problem a lot of the time, but sometimes I am nice to people. Not liking any other guys has nothing to do with me being depressed. I couldn’t see any guys for a long time after Chris broke up with me.

Enough about that. Other than this morning, the last 3 mornings in a row, my neighbors and I have woken up to shit on the walkway in front of our apartments. It looked like a large dog did it. My neighbors believed that a human was doing it. I don’t know, but it was gross. The last day it was smack in front of my door. My nosy neighbor picked it up for me. It made to scared to take my dogs out at 2am last night just thinking that there may be some sicko outside shitting on the sidewalk. Dogs usually don’t poop on cement. I don’t see stray dogs around here. I wonder if there was a reason it was in front of my door. Maybe someone hates me. I really wonder if it was a person or a dog. I live in the city, so there’s no telling. I hate taking my dogs out in the middle of the night. This area is not too bad, but there will be a million dollar house next to a hotel that crack heads stay at (at least in the winter when they are cheap to stay in). There are a lot of weirdos out at night here. There are some homeless people. I have NO clue why someone would want to live in a million dollar house down here at the beach. I hate it. Too many drunks, too much traffic, etc.

My mom got the number for some big guy at Stihl (they make chainsaws and tools. it’s a factory.) for Andrew. He applied for a job there. Her boss knows some guy there. It’s like really hard to get a job there, and they pay really good money. Actually, Andrew’s roommate and his roommate’s wife works there, so I don’t know why Andrew said that they couldn’t help him get a job there. My brother worked there before he joined the Navy. Andrew wants some technician job there or something. I don’t know. I don’t know if he will even call the guy because he is an idiot like that. He is not a go-getter. I haven’t talked to him about it yet.

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, Bipolar, Family, Friends, Health, Mom | 2 Comments »

What a day

Sooooo… today has been the day from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, Andrew did go out the other night. He drank some absinthe that he got from Spain. I am not too happy about that. He drank it at like 7:30pm, and he doesn’t remember anything that happened after that. He said he is never drinking it again. What he explained to me was pretty crazy. All of it was what his friends told him, since he doesn’t remember anything.

When I talked to him yesterday, I was back a asking my ridiculous questions. I asked him if he would ever cheat on me… which I have asked him a million times before. He has always said “No!” firmly. Last night he said that he would if he thought he wouldn’t get caught. I was so pissed off, but I let it slide. So today I get this hair up my ass and decide that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I call him and he answers. I tell him that I need to talk to him about something in person. He kept bugging me to tell him what it is. I wouldn’t tell him. So he says “fine, if you don’t want to tell me then there’s no sense in us talking on the phone.” He didn’t hang up on me, we just got off the phone. So I call him later and he is still mad that I won’t tell him, then I ask him about the cheating on me thing again, and he says that he wouldn’t. So we make up, and I told him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore, but I had changed my mind. I said “aren’t you going to say something smart ass about it, like ‘too bad’?” He said “no.” So everything is fine, and I do believe that he would never cheat on me, but he is a guy, and I don’t trust ANY guys. If he cheats on me, it’s okay… because I will go PP-SS-YY-CC-HH-OO!!!!! I will leave him and take everything we freaking own… including Mr. President (the dog he wants). He claims I can have everything but the dog if I leave him. I guess you can’t worry about it until it happens. I just have to trust what he says. If it does happen, it will be fine, seriously, because I will lose all feelings I have for him at that very moment. It will be something right out of a Carrie Underwood song. I don’t know what to do or think… I guess. I don’t even know if he was being serious about cheating on me if he would never get caught. I will talk to him about it more some other time.

He is in Baltimore right now. He has a job interview tomorrow morning. He was driving up there the first time I talked to him, then the second time he was in his hotel. He has a job interview in Richmond, VA on Tuesday. So he won’t be home until Tuesday night. Then I think he has something here on Wednesday. I forget. I never remember what he tells me.

I was all depressed even if I was the one who decided I didn’t want to be with him.

The second part of my day…

My mom, my cousin and I go to Target. I was SO tired because the doctor is fucking with my medicine. I asked my mom if we could go, and I didn’t even see anything that I wanted. She says that she doesn’t need the stuff we picked up, so we can just leave. I was arguing with her in the car, and we were driving my car. My dad had her truck, and she couldn’t drive his because there is no back seats. So we take my car. She is backing out and her and this other lady hit each other. The other lady was also backing out. My mom was freaking out because she’s never been in a car accident in her life. I call the cops, and they don’t come on private property. So both the lady and my mom are freaking out. They weren’t yelling or anything, but they were two idiot women drivers wondering what the fuck they should do. I am trying to tell them to exchange insurance information, but they were being retarded. The lady calls her insurance company, so my mom tells me to call mine. I call mine, and I can barely even think because I am so tired because of my new medicine. I was arguing with my mom about her driving me home and my dad following her because I am so tired because of my meds (when the accident happened). I have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow, so I need my car. Anyways the two dumb ass drivers exchange information and we leave. I don’t know whose fault it was; they both were backing out at the same exact time. At this moment, I don’t really care. There’s a dent in the other lady’s car, and a small scratch on mine, so it was probably my mom’s fault. If it was, that’s fine. We are not trying to argue about it and dispute it. Whatever they decide is fine.

I can still barely even think. This post is long, and I don’t know if it made much sense. I don’t know if I am going to be able to stay on this medicine. I CANNOT think.

Seriously, though, my mom and that lady were retarded. They acted like it was the end of the world. How hard is it to copy down your insurance info? I told them that that’s what the cops said to do. Also, if my mom was the driver… who pays for it? My insurance company or hers? She says hers, but I think it’s mine since it was my car. My fucking insurance just went down from like $80.00 to $65.00 too. I only have liability, but there’s nothing wrong with my car anyways.

The only good thing that happened today is that I lost another pound… even after I had one meal and water all day.

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, Family, Mom | 2 Comments »

What a mean joke

First of all, I lost another pound today. That’s 3 pounds in two days. It did say 209, then I weighed myself again, and it said 210. It usually doesn’t change, so I don’t know why it did.

Andrew played a cruel joke on me tonight. I brought up something I did, and I said that I thought it was funny. He said “you know what’s funny?” Then he hung the phone up on me!!!!! Then he kept his phone off for like 2 hours!!!!! I thought I ruined everything. I didn’t tell him this, but I was FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!! I was trying so hard not to go psycho. I called my mom crying SO bad. Then she picked me up and took me shopping at the mall, and Christy’s daughter played in the play center they have (of course we were with her). I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo depressed. I thought for sure I ruined everything. I got two pajama shirts to match the pajamas I have. I didn’t pay any attention to them while I was there getting the pajama bottoms. I was still soooooooooooooooo depressed. So we all get in the car, and I call him to see if his phone is on yet, and he answers. He told me he was just fucking with me He did say he was disappointed in me, but he’s not mad.

I am telling you, I was crying BAD. I almost took my cell phone and threw it up against the wall. I used to always throw stuff when I would get pissed off. I’ve never hit anybody (with my hands), but I threw a Taco Bell drink on my friend Maria and a coffee cup at my brother’s best friend’s head. I think that’s all I’ve thrown at people. My brother’s best friend always jokes me about it. He says I tried to kill him with a coffee cup lol. Oh wait… I’ve hit Chris (my ex) before. I used to have this very popular Nokia. I wish I could find the one. The AT&T people used to call it “the die hard Nokia”, and it freaking was too. I’d throw that thing so many times, and it’d fall apart, and you’d put it together again, and it would work perfectly lol. I had that phone for a long time. It was the first phone I ever had, and I was 18. It’s the same phone number and contract I have now. Wow, 7 years.

The moment Andrew told me he was fucking with me, I snapped out of it. I was so happy!!!! See I ALWAYS overreact.

Edit-
I think this was the phone:

http://www.gsmarena.com/nokia_6150-10.php

/Edit

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, Family, Friends, Lap-Band Surgery, Mom | 1 Comment »

Mess

I am to much of a mess to update today. I will update tomorrow. :cute:

Posted in Bad Day, General | No Comments »

OMFG

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo stupid! Andrew wasn’t there and he had NOTHING to do with it. He just called me PISSED. We talked for like an hour and either his phone went dead or he hung up on me. He said his phone was dying though.

I told you all… I am fucking psycho. Believe me now?

He said he will probably eventually get over it. I just didn’t tell him the truth about what I said on his parents answering machine. Or what I said to his friend. Those are going to be the two things he won’t forgive me for. I am too embarrassed to tell you what I said to them. It was BAD though. Some REALLY bad stuff about him.

He was on the ship the whole time because he had duty.

OMFG I screwed up sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo BAD.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I bet he won’t ever talk to me again after he finds out what I said to them. OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!

The reason I got so mad in the first place is because his friend told me he was there. What a fucking asshole! Andrew said “he’s black, what do you expect?” He is so freaking racist. If he is so racist, why did he give his phone to a black person? I told him, it’s all that guys fault.

He is going to be so fucking pissed about his friends and parents. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, General | 1 Comment »

I PROMISE

I PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE I AM THROUGH WITH ANDREW. I KNOW I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE, BUT I SWEAR. I AM STILL VERY PISSED OFF AND I CAN’T BELIEVE HE WOULD LET HIS FRIEND SAY THAT. I AM OVER HIM. I HAVEN’T EVEN CRIED YET. I AM MAD, BUT NOT UPSET. I WILL GIVE YOU MY ADDRESS TO COME SHOOT ME IF I EVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN. PLEASE SHOOT ME IF I EVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN. YOU KNOW WHAT… I DON’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVEN IF I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM AGAIN, HE WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR THE THINGS I GOING TO DO TO HIM. I DON’T CARE IF IT’S ILLEGAL OR ANYTHING. IT WOULD BE WORTH GOING TO JAIL OVER.

SERIOUSLY, IF I DON’T UPDATE… I AM IN JAIL.

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, General | No Comments »

I AM PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST CALLED ANDREW AND ONE OF HIS FRIENDS ANSWERED HIS PHONE. HE WAS FUCKING WITH ME AND SAYING ALL THIS SHIT. THEN COME TO FIND OUT ANDREW GAVE HIM IS PHONE BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE ONE. I AM STILL FUCKING PISSEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. OMG WHEN I TALK TO ANDREW IT IS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY. I AM SO FAR BEYOND MAD IT ISN’T FUNNY.

I JUST CALLED RANDY AND COMPLAINED AND HE MADE ME FEEL BETTER. I AM MAD! I DON’T EVEN WANT TO CRY.

Posted in Andrew, Bad Day, Friends, General | 2 Comments »