Girl-Interrupted.net

Yessss!!! I am not crazy!!!!!

But I am an idiot. There was a perfectly logical explanation why I have been feeling this way. Well, last time I went to the ER they told me my potassium was low. She told me, and I was kind of like “thanks for sharing”. She never told me what it meant or anything. That’s all she told me. I remember looking up the signs online, and they sounded like what I was going through. I even posted them here. With all this confusion and going to NY, I totally forgot all about it.

Well… my potassium is low. They gave me a paper on it at the hospital.

Signs of Hypokalemia (Low Potassium)

LETHARGY
MUSCLE WEAKNESS
leg cramps
NAUSEA
DEPRESSION
MENTAL CONFUSION
loss of appetite
IRREGULAR HEARTBEATS

I had 6 of 8 of them, and I am not sure about the loss of appetite since I barely eat anyways. I am sure I complained about ALL of them on here too. I said one of the reasons I called the ambulance was because my heart was beating really fast. I have been complaining about being weak. I have been telling people I feel like I am going to throw up (other than food getting stuck). I have been VERY confused. You should hear some of the voicemails I have left people. I will say “hi… I am calling because blah, blah, blah… never mind… I forget what my point was.” I did that several times. The doctor asked me my surgeons name, and I could not remember it for the life of me… for a long time… over 10 minutes. I have been saying I have been feeling weak and I can’t do anything.

So they gave me two of the largest pills I have ever seen in my life. I have NO clue why I can swallow HUGE pills, but I cannot eat. They were potassium pills. She gave me a prescription for some too.

There was also ketones in my urine because I have not been eating. I have no clue what that means.

Edit-

I never said why I went to the ER. I hadn’t taken a shower all day. I was getting very sick. I KNEW I was going to end up in the hospital by the end of the night. I even told Leslie. I hate being dirty. I have my period, so it’s even worse. I have not been able to use a tampon. Too much effort when you feel like shit. I felt really gross. So I forced myself to get in the bathtub. I was like half way through my bath when I got REALLY sick. My cousin was here. I screamed for her, and I told her to sit in there with me until I get out and to call 911 if I faint. I thought about having her call 911 that moment, but I was wet, naked, shampoo and soap on me… it would have been horrible. I got out as fast as I could and told her to call my mom and tell her to take me to the ER. I am SO happy I went.

I am so, so, so, so happy. I didn’t know if I was losing my mind or what. That’s why I went to the mental hospital. It’s also such a relief to know it will go away once I get some potassium in me.

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I’m TELLING YOU

Something is fucking wrong with me. I’ve been claiming this for a while now. I try to talk to people, I try to write, I make NO sense. I am losing my mind. I mean, I want to say stuff, but it won’t come out. I can’t form orderly thoughts. IT’S BECAUSE I AM FUCKING STARVING. I don’t know if you know how little I eat. I have had less than a quarter of a large chili today. Not eating will make you lose your mind. I AM hungry! It just hurts to eat. I am fucking starving. I am not even going to be able to drive myself to get my band loosened. I am getting sicker and sicker.

I called an ambulance one night. I went to the looney bin. I am not faking it or anything.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like I am going to pass out right now. It has to be because I am not eating. I don’t know what to do. I need to have someone help me. I’ve been feeling too sick to even call my surgeon’s office back and tell them I need to get my band loosened. I can’t even make a phone call!!!

I’m very sick right this moment. I am wondering if I should go to the hospital. Whether I need to go to a regular hospital or mental hospital, I don’t know.

I’m not going to kill myself or anything. I am just very weak. My mind and body is weak. I know I am typing all of this. I just don’t feel right.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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LMFAO

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Ha

I can add one more thing to the endless list of stupid things I’ve done. I think I do them on purpose.

BTW Steve:

It’s me, not you.

People make fun of that, but in this case it’s true. I am fucked in the head.

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LOL

Okay it’s not funny. I am mean. Rich and his wife are getting a divorce. It’s only funny because I found out through the myspace comments where his wife and her mother tell all their family business. I haven’t talked to him in a little while.

I saw this:

“No we are getting a divorce.”

I didn’t know for sure if she meant that they are NOT getting a divorce because she is a REAL messy writer.

Then she wrote this:

“Its just not gona work right now… we dont even have a real marriage… we never lived together or anything… I need to go see Grandmom to i havent seen that side of the family in a year next month… remember i have to split see’ing everyone… I cant just go to houston everytime…”

At least she separated the sentences. Well, all but one. She usually doesn’t even do that.

I am just being nosy. I don’t really care or anything. It’s just so funny that they talk about EVERYTHING in myspace comments.

She is in the Army and has lived in Japan for a long time. Even when they both lived here, they didn’t live together. I asked him why he wasn’t in Japan with her once, but I forget what he said. I know he said he’s not even going to move to Japan when he gets out of the Navy, which is next month.

Her mom took him off of her myspace.

I don’t USUALLY care about other people’s business, but it’s the whole business on myspace thing again.

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I talked to her

Nosy bitch was outside when I was leaving to go to my mom’s. I got in my car and was pulling out, then I saw her dog, and I pulled back in. I asked her very nicely, and she swore it wasn’t her. She said she’s been staying at her daughter’s house in Chesapeake because her son is in Chesapeake General Hospital (he has Chron’s disease), and she hasn’t been home in a week or even gone to work.

I knew she wouldn’t do it. She said it was probably the guy that cuts the grass. I really think it was him now. That’s what I said before. I said hi to him like two times, and he just ignored me. What a fucking asshole. I have it out for him now. Grrrr. Who does he think he is??? He doesn’t own this fucking place. If you have a problem, go to the landlord. He obviously did, and I had been picking up everything since then, way before he left that nasty note on my door.

I picked up that dog crap from the yard. It was not my dogs’, but it was from a small dog, so I would have got blamed for it. I am pretty sure it was not from my dogs. I went through the yard when I got that note on my door, and there was no crap, and I’ve picked up everything since then. So whatever. I guess I’ll drop it now. I was just upset that I thought it may be her. Anyone else I could give two fucks about. I’ll pick it up now. The worst animal control (or whoever deals with it) could do it give me a fine. I just love my dogs so much, so I was so upset about that threat. I still hope he got that note on the door though. It disappeared real fast. I said less than a half hour, but it was probably more like less than 15 minutes. Maybe it was some random person, or maybe he was checking my door to see if I got his note yet.

I feel like going off on him so bad. I don’t know if I’ll have the guts to do it, but I am thinking about saying something to him next time I see him. FUCKING ASSHOLE.

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Feeling a little better

Someone left dog crap in the yard, and I am SO mad. There’s only two other people that have dogs here. Nosy bitch, and the lady who lives next door to me, but she only stays there in the summer, and she is not living there right now. I am going to be mad about this for a long time. I tried to call my landlord to tell him I have been picking up the crap, and someone else isn’t, and tell him about the rude note. He didn’t answer though. Nosy bitch always picks her dog’s up, so it could just be that this is the beach and people walk their dogs down here. I was thinking I should not pick it up because it’s not my dogs, but I think I will just because I don’t want to hear anything from whoever left that note. I will try to call him in a little bit.

I feel a little better today. I’ll probably go to my parent’s and bring the stuff over that my aunt bought them. My aunt bought me a little statue from Rio De Janeiro, and I set it on my TV stand. My cat knocked it down, and Andy chewed on it. I got a Niagara Falls t-shirt,a key chain, and a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. She paid for it all and insisted. I felt bad because she spent a lot of money on me. She paid for everyone to go bowling, like 7 or 8 people. She paid for food for everyone a few times. Ewww there’s this place called Anderson’s there, it’s a popular ice cream place, and I had mashed potatoes from there, and they were SOOOOOO nasty. They did not even taste ANYTHING like mashed potatoes. They tasted like freaking dog food. I was starving, as usual, but I could not even eat them. They were saying maybe they are instant mashed potatoes. I have had instant mashed potatoes before, and they are 100 times better than that crap.

People in New York are freaking crazy, or maybe it’s just my family. It was 40-50 degrees out, and they had the windows open and AC on in the car. I was freezing my ass off the whole entire time I was there. It was sooooooooooo cold.

I am losing weight in my boobs. My new bras are getting too big on me. I am also getting rashes under my boobs, which is one reason they give people who have had weight loss surgery boob jobs.

I thought about putting a stake in the yard with a sign on it next to the poop. It would say something like it’s not my dog’s. I am crazy like that. I wouldn’t do it, it’s just another one of those thoughts that sounds good in my head. I’m going to ask nosy bitch if she left the note next time I see her. I would think she would have told me herself, as outspoken as she is. I don’t think she would have threatened me like that either. We talk all the time, and she is really nice to me, and she knows a lot about how I get depressed and stuff like that since she works in mental health. She works at the local looney bin. I would just really like to know if it was her or not. I like her, and it would hurt if it was her because I know her better than anybody here. I know it wouldn’t be the guy that has a crush on me, and I know it wouldn’t be the girl that came crying at my door drunk off her ass once. I need to stop obsessing about it, but I make a big deal out of everything. That’s one thing Andrew hated about me, I can never just drop anything. He got real pissed when I said all that mean shit about Jenn. He would always throw it in my face when I wouldn’t drop something. “It’s just like that one time when you did that online.”

I don’t know most of my neighbors. I have never even seen most of them. According to my calculations, there’s only about 30 apartments here, and it’s all one building. I only know who about 6 or 7 of them are. Everybody basically minds their own business. Nobody parties or causes any trouble. Most of the people are older. Not old, but not teenagers or even in their 20s. I was told by one of my neighbors that I had never even seen before that we are not allowed to have dogs here. My landlord must be telling people that now. He definitely knows about my dogs. He never told me anything like that when I moved in, that I can remember, but I also didn’t ask him if I could have dogs. I just got my dogs, and he never said anything to me about it. He is really nice. Emily lived here for a few months, and she hated him. He is so nice to me though. I’ve heard people complain about him. Nosy bitch complains about him.

I am so hungry. All I’ve had is two crackers today. I am going to call my surgeon’s office now.

Also, I am SO horrible about returning comments, even on my favorite blogs. I have no motivation to do anything

Edit-
God, appointments doesn’t even answer the phone. They make me leave a message, and it takes me to the same person that I left a message for TWO days ago. They usually have their act way together. Maybe it’s because they just moved to the hospital. They need to freaking call me back. I told them that I can’t eat.

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Nothing

I was in a HORRIBLE, MISERABLE, DEPRESSED mood all day today. I didn’t post on here or even tweet. I was signed off on all my messengers almost all day. I was still nice to my mom though. I basically sat on the phone with her and didn’t say anything because if I did it wouldn’t have been nice. I am depressed again, and I don’t know why because I am usually happy around this time. The sun is out longer, and it’s warm and nice outside. I just got home from NY, and I was busy and doing stuff, so that should have made me feel better also. I think it’s because I stopped taking one of my meds. I am taking one that is in the same class of drugs, but once I stopped the other one completely, I felt depressed. I felt better after I took the new one tonight. I am used to taking the other one earlier, but I have to take this one later because it makes me so tired. But I am still having a hard time sleeping, and sometimes I take double the dose, and I hate doing that, but I do it all the time because I can’t stand not being able to sleep.

They freaking never called me back about getting some liquid taken out of my band, and I was too miserable to call or even care. I am SO dreading driving to Norfolk General to see my surgeon. It makes me not even want to go. I don’t know why, but one of my biggest fears is getting lost, and I have absolutely NO sense of direction. Christy and others that haven’t lived here that long know this area better than me. I know how to get to a few places, and that’s it. I have lived here all my life, so I have NO clue why. I hate driving to other cities because the interstate is so confusing. I make all of my friends drive when I am with them, even if we are in my car. Stupid GPS had to get stolen I should just buy a new one, but it pisses me off so bad. I should just keep it in here until I need it. I know I may forget it, and I’m sure it will get stolen again. I don’t even listen to my iPod in my car anymore because I am scared I’ll forget to bring it in. Stupid theaves. It’s so freaking wrong.

I am still very pissed over that note on my door. I haven’t seen any of my neighbors outside, and I plan on not saying hi to any of them because they all are suspects. Except for maybe 2 people who I know would not do it. I am wondering if it’s the guy who cuts the grass because he stopped being so friendly to me, but he seemed so nice and kind of dumb and redneck-ish, but it’s not like I really know him. I should have saved the note. You really couldn’t tell if it was a mans or womans handwriting. Probably more of a womans because men write messy, but not always, so I don’t know. I was thinking I should have kept it in case something happened. I’m sure I am just paranoid, but I was thinking someone could be evil and call animal control and say my dogs bit them or something to get me in trouble and my dogs possibly taken away. It was a fucking rude ass note, so who knows. I am a VERY forgiving person, but I would go off on them. I will be pissed off about this for a LONG time, if not forever.

I don’t think I want a tattoo anymore. It seems like a waste of money. I don’t know why I am being so cheap lately. I usually spend money like crazy and don’t think twice about it. It’s probably that I am not fixated on buying anything right now. When I want something it’s the end of the world if I can’t have it. I wish I could be content with what I have and small things in life. Sometimes I think “well at least I have two legs, two arms and am healthy.” I try to think positive sometimes.

I am getting so much freaking spam from sites I am a member of, such as stickam, drugstore.com and the lap-band forum, no matter how many times I try to unsubscribe. Drugstore.com says I have no subscriptions. It’s been happening for months. I hate spam. I get pissed off if I get one spam email. Mostly because I don’t erase any of my email since gmail is so great, and it goes into my archives, and my computer makes a noise when I get a new email. It’s so weird, but every time I hear my computer go “mail call”, it reminds me of Randy because of how much we used to talk, and 99% of the time when it did that it was from Randy. I just started using my desktop again, and I couldn’t use the sound when I was on my Mac, so it reminds me of the old days. It’s kind of sad and depressing because I don’t like thinking of those old days with Andrew. Maybe it’s this way with everyone, but lots of things remind me of my past. Stuff like perfume and everything. I don’t like it. Thinking of any of my past is painful, even though I had great parents and all. I would not live my life over. That would be the worst hell. My whole life has been a struggle. I struggle to make it through each day without going insane. I don’t want to get old, but I still wouldn’t live my life over. I have been through HARD times, and only because I am bipolar and cause them myself. I am most definitely my own worst enemy.

I lost 2 pounds when I was in NY. That’s all.

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Shitty

I have this pain in my stomach, and I am scared my band has slipped. I don’t think it has though. It doesn’t feel like a pain where the lap band is in the wrong place. It’s like under my ribs. It feels like heart burn under my ribs kind of.

I feel like I am going to faint, really weak, my heart is beating fast again, I’m shaky, and I feel light headed.

I don’t think it’s a panic attack because I was upset about nothing. Unless all the the sudden I am getting panic attacks for no reason, which I doubt since I’ve had 2 in my life when I was a teenager. I definitely had a panic attack a few weeks ago, and I don’t know what happened when I called the ambulance. I am not going to call an ambulance again. Hopefully it will go away, and if it doesn’t, I’ll call my mom.

I think the pain in my stomach is going away now.

Edit-
It went away, and I left a message for my doctor’s nurse to call me so I can get some liquid taken out of my band. The first appointment he has is on the 7th, so I may have to see another doctor or something.

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Stupid fucking neighbors

I planned on blogging about New York, but people keep pissing me off. Someone left a note on my door saying something like “One last warning. Pick up your dogs crap or deal with animal control.” So I left this:

There was no fucking shit in the yard. I went through it, and I have been picking up my dog’s shit, and my mom did while she was gone.

I have never had one problem with my fucking neighbors in the 6 years I have lived here. I am dying to know who it was.

Less than a half hour after I posted them on my door, they are gone. I have no clue who took them down, but I hope it was the person that left the note. I hope they complain to my landlord, so I know they are the ones that got the note. My landlord loves me more than anybody here, and he bends over backwards for me. He won’t give a fuck. It’s not like I said something threatening anyways.

Edit-

I hope it wasn’t my nosy ass neighbor. She sees everything. She knows shit that happens all the time. I swear she has cameras around here or something. She is really nice to me, and she is at work, so she couldn’t have removed them. I don’t want her mad at me because she is a major bitch.

Most people in this world have no clue what a bitch I can be. I am very polite and shy when I meet people. Only people that know me real well know how I can be. I guess they know now.

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